RIP, LOL

I'm a self-professed word addict, but I'm not a language snob. I don't really like Grammar Nazis. I don't bemoan the demise of the English language. I just want to make it clear from the outset that this rant is not, I repeat, not (at the risk of creating a double negative . . . I mean, the second not was for emphasis, not to negate the previous not . . . I didn't say I wasn't a nerd) grammatically or linguistically motivated. 

I do love language, I just don't believe in lording it over people. I love it when people use words well to communicate ideas not just clearly but also beautifully. When people can't communicate, that's okay. There's plenty of other cool stuff to do. So, once again, this isn't a rant in defense of language.

This is a rant in defense of laughter. I haven't decided yet, but I just may love laughter more than language. I love the sound of genuine, good-natured laughter. Haughty laughter (which should kind of rhyme, but doesn't at all) is irritating. Derisive laughter, not so fun. And some people's laughs are just plain wrong, though it's no fault of their own. But when people laugh for all the right reasons, laughter is my favorite sound in the universe.

But in text speak, it's just LOL. Or LMAO. Or ROFL. Or ROFLMAO. Normally, I love abbreviations. But LOL just doesn't cut it. LOL isn't funny. Laughter is supposed to be contagious, but LOL is a virtual laughter vaccine. What's more, the paranoid side of me (all of me) has serious doubts about just how OL the L really is. It's the texting equivalent of just telling someone, "That was funny." Cue the video:

When I see LOL, no matter how much I trust the person who typed it, I usually suspect them of lying. I think, Oh . . . they didn't really think that was funny. They just saw that I was trying to be funny and patronizingly LOL'd me to make me feel better. Well guess what . . . IT DIDN'T WORK! And that's just not healthy.

The sad thing is, I don't know a remedy. Typing in "Ha ha" doesn't really work. "Hee hee" sounds . . . not manly. Expounding on how hard you're laughing sometimes works. (My friend Heather usually informs me when an IM or email forces her to involuntarily spray her beverage on her computer screen . . . I really like that one, but it can be expensive.) And no acknowledgment of the humor is even worse. Total silence just lets the joke-teller's mind wander to all kinds of bad places. Youcrossedthelineville. Youreanidiot City. Ihavenoideawhatyourtalkingaburg. I hate those places.

I guess we could all just YouTube videos of ourselves laughing at various degrees of hilarity. You could tape the, "I'll humor you with a subdued chuckle" laugh. The "I don't get it, but I'm laughing anyway" laugh. The "seriously, if I typed LOL, I wouldn't be lying," laugh. The delayed, "Okay, I'm laughing, but just kind of . . . still figuring it out . . . oh, NOW I get it, that's hilarious and I can't stop laughing," laugh. And of course the "Someone call a doctor, I'm having an aneurysm and my abdomen's imploding," laugh. I'm sure there are others, but those would do okay.

Still, I guess there's just no substitute for actually being with people and laughing in their company. Kind of the down side of freelance writing from home, eh? Of course, my favorite audience of laughers is almost always here, and they're a very easy crowd to please. :) (Oh, yeah, smiling via text is completely ok with me.)

If you have any better ideas for LOL alternatives, please let me know. I'm dying here.

Overheard: On the 8th day, God created . . .

Addison: I want to know about God. Tell me about Him.

Me: Okay . . .  He created the world.

Addison: Really? You mean, He created everything? He created pants?

Me: Well, He created people who could make pants. But when He created people, they didn't wear any clothes.

Addison: They were naked?

Me: Yeah. They weren't embarrassed to be naked when God created them.

Addison: They were once all the other people could see their privates.

Me: No, they weren't embarrassed until they sinned.

Addison: Did they have privates?

Me: Yes . . . but I guess they weren't that private at the time. But after they sinned, they were ashamed.

Addison: I know what they wore: animal skins.

Me: Well, God gave them animal skins, but at first they just wore leaves.

Addison: They wore leaves on their privates?

Me: Do you want to watch a show on TV?

Overheard: I can't believe it's not tooter

Addison's latest gem:

Butterflies don't toot, they just shoot butter out.

Awesome.

Who Knows?

Just to build the buzz for one of American Idol's most anticipated results shows in history, I thought I'd point out that American Idol prognosticators at DialIdol.com say it's too close to call. 

I can almost hear Ryan drooling over how close the voting was now . . . 

Idol Eyes - The Judges Take Over the Universe

Huh. I seem to remember when it got down to the final three that the contestants each sang three songs. The show was larger than larger-than-life. The self-promotion was nauseating. The show would leave viewers with the general impression that the planets were going to stop dead in their revolutionary arcs to watch this episode.

This year? They went small. The production level was somewhere in between junior high musical and Waiting for Guffman. And the judges decided to act like SNL charicatures of themselves. Fortunately, the guys singing put on a pretty good show on their own (with just two performances).

Danny Gokey

Danny started with Paula's choice, Terrence Trent D'arby's "Dance, Little Sister," which amounted to little more than a high-energy waste of time. Contrary to Simon, I did like his little "Danny duels the saxophone" shtick in the middle, because it showed off . . . I don't know, Danny's pitch-perfect reedy resemblance to a saxophone? His second song, "You Are So Beautiful," was more of a showcase for Danny's non-woodwind-related talents. Will it be enough? I don't know. Something tells me he'll be in the bottom three.

Kris Allen

Let me take one moment to point out that Kara is officially a total waste of space. It may have taken her all season to come out of her shell, and now I'd be willing to pull my eyelashes out if it would cram her back in it. Back to Kris. He inherited a song that sounded exactly like the type of song he would sing, and the very judges who thought One Republic's "Apologize" sounded like him lambasted him for not singing it differently enough.  My opinion? He did a good job. His second song, Kanye's "Heartless," was (and I hate to admit it) frickin' awesome. And here's my theory: will anyone vote for Adam and Danny? I don't see that happening much. I can see people liking Kris and Adam or Kris and Danny . . . but I have a hard time imagining much overlap between the Church of Danny and the Adam Bar.

Adam Lambert

Simon chooses good songs, which is why he can get away with wearing Hanes on national television. Adam was pretty phenomenal vocally on Mary J. Blige and U2's "One." Yeah, you heard me, he stone-cold ripped off Mary J.'s version. Don't get me wrong, he did a great job of ripping off Ms. Blige and Sir Bono (I mean, come on, is it even possible to go further over the top than Bono?), but the judges' ridiculous raves about how he "made it his own" were embarrassing. He gave it his own flair (78 points of it, by my count), but it was still a ripoff. His choice of Aerosmith's "Cryin' (phase one in the Cryin'/Amazing/Crazy self-ripoff trilogy)" was a classic case of becausehecanitis. Why did he drench an already syrupy song in rich Southern fried vocal gravy? Because he can. And it sucked. Let me put it this way: if a gymnast can stick his head up his own keister, does he deserve a gold medal if he does it on the pommel horse? Yeah, it's a talent, but nobody wants to see that. I needed to listen to some Patty Griffin afterward to cleanse my ears.

I'm gonna try predicting this dude's exit just one more time . . .

Teed Off

Addison has officially begun playing tee ball. His first practice was Friday, and I'm not sure who was more excited, Addison or his dad. But we took care of that competition by doing the one thing that will escalate any kid's interest (and most parent's exhaustion): we went shopping for new stuff.

We stopped at Blythe's Sporting Goods to pick up some new baseball cleats and a bat. Shoe shopping was easy (minus the constant Colin chasing around the store). The bat shopping, not so much (they actually sell teeny tiny little kid DeMarini baseball bats for $200+ . . . we did not get one of those). Maybe the most difficult thing about the shopping excursion was convincing Addison he didn't need a full arsenal of catcher's gear. 

If you've ever taken a pre-schooler to a practice of any kind of sport or activity, you know that the interest level varies from kid to kid and from second to second. I've experienced the wavering attention, sweeping disinterest, and tapering enthusiasm induced by soccer practice before, and I was pretty much expecting the same thing if not worse with tee ball. The simple fact is, baseball is harder than soccer. 

Any kid can kick a ball or throw it two-handed over their heads. But throwing a baseball at a specific target on command is difficult for some professionals. (Chuck Knoblauch and Steve Sax and many others developed serious psychological blocks that prevented them from getting the ball to first base. Rick Ankiel and Mark Wohlers were two pitchers whose psyches completely unraveled to the point where they became allergic to the strike zone.) Hitting the ball, even on a tee, isn't the easiest thing to do (for some kids, the tee makes it even harder, because they're even more afraid of hitting the tee than they are of missing everything altogether). And catching . . . shoot, catching is just plain hard for most kids.

Long story short, failure to execute difficult skills can cause kids to lose interest really quick.

Addison loved every minute of it, beginning to end.

The team's coach ran a good practice, which was key. He started them off, as every baseball practice should begin, with everyone pairing off and playing catch (in this case they were really playing chase after and pick up). Then they stretched. Then they took turns hitting five balls off the tee (which Addison was anxiously ready to begin from the moment he stepped out of the van, making his desires known to anyone who would listen). Batting practice also gives the kids who aren't hitting a chance to practice their fielding . . . which was pretty hilarious.

But here's what I noticed: when Addison was in the field, he wanted to field every ground ball. He beckoned the batter to run on every hit, not just their fifth and final one. When it was his turn to hit, he bellowed out commands to all the kids and the coach to take their positions fast because he was ready to hit. As soon as his previous shot stopped rolling, he asked for the next ball and gripped his bat impatiently until the team was ready for the next screaming liner. 

The only real time he got distracted was when he was playing first base and wanted to give me a high five after every play (and, at the end of practice, when he discovered some dog poo by the fence and ordered the entire team over for a look). He even caught a throw at first base, got momentarily ecstatic, and then returned to the flow of the game as if he realized this feat should be viewed as absolutely normal now that he had arrived as a real live baseball player.

You can set aside thoughts of me being an overbearing baseball dad who demands his kid to excel to MLB All-Star status at the risk of colossal disappointment. What I've always wanted has been for Addison to enjoy baseball. I was never all that good, really. I don't have tons of natural ability, and I would expect Addison to inherit my limitations. But the fact that he shows every sign of absolutely being absorbed and infatuated with the game . . . it's like an adrenaline overdose.

Yes, This Is a Spoiler

Warning, warning, warning. Go watch the Idol results show . . . or don't, and just read this. I was really sad to see Allison get the boot tonight, and I still contend she gave the very best performance of the night. I realized what made Adam's over-the-top performance so much worse than his usual over-the-top performances. This time, he was actually trying to mimic the real thing. He didn't "put his own spin" on Led Zeppelin, he just did Led Zeppelin with Cheese. It was . . . Velveeta Zeppelin. 

Don't get me wrong, the guy's a great singer. And I always thought the songs that would do him in would be the soft, understated numbers, but his "Tracks of My Tears" was actually really good. But his straight-up rock attempt missed just as badly as Danny's last note.

And that's real bad.

Allison, on the other hand, never had a bad performance, and I'll argue to the death (or at least to the real-tired) that point with anyone who disagrees. And, as happens so frequently, Allison's very best performance came right after she found out she was leaving. She didn't hold back. She didn't sing to the judges (except when she really wanted to). She was singing what she felt instead of singing how she thought she should. It was brilliant. I love her loveher lovhr.

Okay, I think it's time I write about something other than Idol, because I've been woefully absent from this site, and I've got stuff I need to say.

Idol Eyes: Rock Weak

The American Idol is never crowned during Final Four week, but Slash may have just won the competition for worst Idol mentor of all time. His approach: self-aggrandizing guitar solos and sneering mumbling vagaries as critiques. But that's cool. It's rock week. What's not cool: the duets. I like the concept in theory, but in practice it leaves Kris and Danny at the huge disadvantage of having to perform their solo stints after straining through a Styx cover. But who cares about Idol's propensity for killing itself softly? Let's get to the performances.

Adam Lambert

I think we've established that Adam is a technically terrific singer. Tonight, though, was artistically abysmal. "Whole Lotta Love"? How 'bout "Holy crap that was cheesy." Just dripping in overwrought, scalded nacho. And I'm far from being a die-hard Zeppelin fan, but that was the gaudiest slaying of Led I've ever heard. I was constantly distracted by the battle being waged on Adam's face between his eyeliner and foundation (the foundation won in a nasty cat-scratcher of a brouhaha). And Kara? Wearing the same outfit as Adam (and then doing a fine impression of a backstreet Italian pimp all show long)? Not cool.

For the first time, I want Adam to be done. The odds of that happening: 6 to 1

Allison Iraheta

Allison finally gave in to the overwhelming implicative pressure that she should be singing Janis Joplin, and I thought she rocked out on "Cry, Cry Baby." I've made no mystery of my Allison love, but I'll say it again: I love Allison. I do think this song was still a tad on the forgettable side. The problem with "Rock Week" for Allison is that she's been rocking all season long. There was really nothing special for her to do this week, so . . . man, I don't know. She just didn't give us anything more amazing than she's already delivered. But, in comparison, I still think she gave the best performance of the night; it's just not saying that much.

I really hope she makes it to the final three. Odds of being voted off: 8 to 1

Kris and Danny's duet

Wow, clearly they struggled agreeing on a song . . . because this one sucked. Their harmony sounded good, but Danny's solos outshone Kris's in a song that clearly favored the Gokester. Ultimately, the song might have hurt Danny's ability to hit his final note . . . we'll cover that later. But I don't think these duets will affect the voting AT ALL.

Kris Allen

For taking a Beatles song and cheesing it up a little bit, I thought Kris actually did okay with "Come Together." Did someone forget to remind Kris and Danny of the concept of the power ballad? Hello! It's pretty tough to connect emotionally with screaming girl voters when you're singing things like "hold you in his armchair you can feel his disease." But ignoring the lyrics and the risk of ruining a classic (Aerosmith and Michael Jackson both failed miserably in their cover attempts), Kris sang pretty well. The judges have lapsed into absolute condescending drivel. Kara now looks like the evil twin of the already evil female trainer from Rocky IV.

I won't cry if Kris leaves. Odds of millions of girls crying because he did get voted off: 7 to 1

Danny Gokey

Okay. Um . . . yeah. Saying simply, "Dream on," is way too easy, but Danny's attempt at Aerosmith's classic strains the seams of the word ambitious. His final screech made my soul bleed, and not in a good way. Danny is pretty much riding the wings of never dipping into the final three, but he tested the allegiance of his faithful following with that disaster. Would he have been able to hit that final note if he hadn't spent himself getting his Styx on? We'll never know. But I do know this: Danny trying to be Steven Tyler makes Anoop's Bobby Brown impression look so convincing, the paparazzi are currently raiding Noop-dog's residence for the chance of a Whitney sighting . . . or an overdose . . . or multiple occurrences of both.

Would I be shocked to see Danny go? Do 9:1 odds seem all that shocking?

Adam and Allison

I liked them together. And I don't think it will matter one iota.

So who will go? I'll let my picture do the talking.

Idol Eyes - The Rat Pack

Ah . . . at last we're down to five. Now we have plenty of time to hear all four judges ramble on. We don't even have to rush to try to get a performance in before the first commercial break. And the surprise Rat-Pack-era judge? Jamie Foxx. And if you think about it*, it makes sense. Still, Mr. Foxx seemed to do a pretty good job, judging by the results.

*If by "think about it" you mean not even a little.

Kris Allen

Kris is still doing his "you're so in love with me, right?" thing. And he's right. Oh, he's ever so dreamy. His take on "The Way You Look Tonight" was tactically brilliant. There he was, eyes wet with cool, crooning in all his Bublé-esque please-punch-me glory. He doesn't have the range of the other singers, but he's got a pretty sweet niche carved out . . . the screaming, hormone-crazed girl niche. He's also got a good voice, an increasingly expert grasp of reverb exploitation, and a nice touch. I'll admit it, the guy knows his way around a song.

He's staying. Darn it all.

Allison Iraheta

I've always been a big fan of Allison's, and I'm so glad she made it this far. I still think she'll stick around one more week, but her time is coming. In some seasons (especially next season . . . I've seen the future, and they're terrible in AI 9) I think Allison would have had a good shot of sticking around until the finals, but not this time. She looked great (warning, criticism approaching) and she sounded great (okay, here it comes) but her phrasing was off. It was like every measure was a separate performance . . . or that she learned the whole song phonetically. But I still love her. 

Insert corny "Someone to Watch Over Me" joke here.

Matt Giraud

"My Funny Valentine," huh? You studied jazz in college. You know what I studied in college? Psychology. I took a whole class. In summer school. And I got an A. So let me give you a little evaluation: you got a jacked-up brain hiding out under that jauntily cocked little cap, son. I'm glad Simon liked the performance, but in the words of Will Smith, "Aw HAIL no." It's not that it was bad, but . . . "I like jazz" is not the right motivation when you're in the top 5 of American Idol. The vocals were alright, especially after you got past the initial "I want to start slow and boring to make the end sound better" stage, but . . . no. That's not a vote getter. If this were Jazz Idol, maybe you would be advancing (but I definitely wouldn't be watching). I don't know why I'm writing this review as if you're reading this, Matt, it's really nothing personal.

There's a reason behind the pictures I choose, you know?

Danny Gokey

Danny, welcome back! His "Come Rain or Come Shine" was sunny, money, and dipped in honey. Seriously, after a few weeks of sleepwalking through safe and boring performances, finally Danny turned it on. I don't know if he should have said he could see the finish line (a bit cocky) or smiled so dreamily into all the judges' faces (a bit creepy), but the singing was on. He started quiet but strong and then exploded into the final riffs of soulful improv that Taylor Hicks could only dream of. Nice job.

The only question is if Danny or Kris will visit the bottom three.

Adam Lambert

This guy is such a showman, it's hysterical. I mean, he has choreographed every note, wardrobe decision, and facial expression right down to the calculation of the shadows cast by his cockatoo coif. He's obviously through to the next round and probably more talented than anyone this show's ever seen. But will he get the votes in the final weeks . . . probably. Enough people don't like him that it could get interesting later on. He's pretty much the AI Obama.

I'm only typing something in bold because I decided at this point I should make predictions on everyone.

Idle Alert

All recent evidence to the contrary, this is not an American Idol blog. I've just been a bit uninspired to write anything other than Idol, Lost, and trivia. Actually, the daily trivia email/blog has expanded lately, which has been fun. (You can sign up to receive it just by sending a blank email to kelloggtrivia@aweber.com . . . in case you were wondering.)

It's not as though I have nothing to say. It's not as though nothing has moved me to rant, rave, or write. It's not as though my sons haven't said anything interesting lately (Addison, today out of the blue: I think Anoop's coming back; Colin, any time Heather is gone: Mommy, where are you?). I just . . . you know, haven't posted much of anything here.

I'm sure it will get better. I'm sure I'll get sick of writing elsewhere or enjoying nature or whatever else keeps distracting me. But for now . . . all I've got are ellipses. . . . 

LOST questions

Before I watch tonight's episode, I wanted to answer last week's questions. Most of the questions I've received about Lost revolve around the people who briefly abducted Miles, warned him about Widmore, and asked him if he knew what stood in the shadow of the statue. Let's look at what we know:

The last time we heard the question about something standing in the statue's shadow was when Lapidus returned from the main island and got ambushed by the 2nd generation of Losties (aka Flight 316). What you (and I) may not have realized is that the main abductor who tried to dissuade Miles in the van was actually a passenger (Bram) on Flight 316. Now . . . was it a passenger who went back in time after crashing on the island or a passenger who had yet to make it to the island? Well, that's impossible to know at this point, but something tells me that dude had already seen the island.

We also know these people are anti-Widmore, which leads me to believe they're pro-Ben. They seemed to act completely differently after Lapidus returned from escorting Sun to the main island in contrast to the way they acted before he, Sun, and Ben all left. What changed their minds? My guess is, it had something to do with the psychosomatic smoke monster (heretofore known as PSM). I have a feeling that Ben reunited with the island and perhaps dabbled in yet another bout of time travel to brainwash the survivors of Flight 316. It's a wild guess, but I'm stickin' to it.

Another question was how Daniel Farraday could reappear 30 years ago after disappearing. Well, I believe he left the island when Sawyer, Juliet, Miles, and Jin all joined the Dharma initiative. I don't know how he did, but he did. Regardless, I think Daniel has always been linked in time to Sawyer, Juliet, et. al. So it's no surprise he recognized Miles. To us, they are all their present-day selves in a 1970's setting.

And what about Miles being Dr. Chang's son? Well that just makes good sense. You'd have to believe Miles got his extra-sensory post-mortem communication abilities from being born on the island (or from the after-effects of what may have happened during his time there).

It's all so very cool and, if you don't watch, so very dorky. I can't wait to watch!

Idol Eyes - Disco Inferno

UPDATED with Addison Input

And by Inferno, I mean the Dante kind. Thank goodness they cut the excess intro baggage, but I wish they would ditch the disco altogether. The show is not without its bright points, but an entire show based on the worst music ever devised by people who aren't the Spice Girls is just a terrible plan. I'm all for stretching the contestants, but this is stretching the definition of entertainment.

Lil Rounds

Lil is dressed for her disco funeral in a form-fitting shroud of black, and her dirge of choice is Chaka Khan's "I'm Every Woman." Good for her. She had fun. But I don't understand why she chose to sing nothing but "Whoo," "Come on," and "Yeah, yeah." Here's a strategy: instead of trying to have fun out there, why not make it your goal to . . . sing well? Just a suggestion. And Paula is unleashing inner goddesses. Yummy.

Addison's take: I think, Boooo. Wait . . . maybe I changed my mind to whoo! She sings pretty high.

Reality's take: Bye, Lil. I really wish you had gotten the hang of this show.

Kris Allen

I've always hated Kris, but these past two weeks he's made me hate him for making me like him. Grr, I'll never forgive him for that. He turned Donna Summer's "She Works Hard for the Money," into a jazzy little chill-fest, and darn it all, I liked it. Grr. Believe it or not, I think he's got the chance to steal this competition. Screaming girls can text really fast and frequently.

Addison's take: Awesome. I liked it 'cuz there were three instruments.

Danny Gokey

Danny got his groove back a little bit with, "Do You Remember," which, according to Paula, gets performed all the time. I hate the song, and I'm glad Paula's dead wrong about its performance frequency, but Danny can sing. Not so much on the dancing. He's still really safe, but he needs to find his zone if he wants to outlast Kris. Danny's on cruise control, and that's gonna put him in danger when we get to the final four or five.

Addison's take: Zzzzzzz. From this point on, he was in bed. If he gets a chance to finish off the episode, I'll let y'all know.

UPDATE—Addison's take: Yay! He's singing about my birthday month.

Allison Iraheta

I just love Allison. Some people don't like her. I just love her raspy, rocky, kickin'-it spirit. Her Catwoman-at-prom look was pretty fun, too. But I think people have a hard time with a girl rocking that hard at 16. And the hair. Some folks will always have problems with the hair. She sang, "Hot Stuff," in a way that bore no resemblance to Donna Summer, and for that alone I have to thank her.

UPDATE—Addison's take:Boo. She's singing too loud. Good . . . I mean, bad.

Reality's take: If there's a bottom four, Allison risks being in it, simply because Adam, Danny, and Kris are the most likely three to avoid it.

Adam Lambert

This guy is really just too good. Again, Adam took us far away from the land of the mirrored ball (soaring on the wings of his raging hair). Again, he completely reinvented a song, this time "If I Can't Have You." Obviously he's got range, and stage presence, and all of that. But the thing that really impressed me tonight was how well he conveyed the emotion of the song. Most of the other contestants are just singing their songs, but Adam is communicating for reals. (And I loved Seacrest's "pool of Abdul" remark. Wish I had thought of that.)

UPDATE—Addison's take: Echh. Messy hairdo. She (Paula) thinks yay. It was good, because he sang so soft.

Matt Giraud

On Idol, you really benefit from following someone great, and Matt just might be "Stayin' Alive" on the strength of his predecessor. While the judges reviewed his typically soulful, spirited performance unnecessarily harshly, I think viewers (and voters) are likely to forget everyone who sang before Adam. I thought Matt made the perfect song choice—singing phrases like "stayin' alive," and "I'm goin' nowhere": good; singing things like "I'm goin' home," "goodbye," and "nobody loves me": bad. Way to prove yourself saveworthy, Matt.

UPDATE—Addison's take: I liked his dancing and his singing. I like the hat. What's a strike?

Reality's take: He's definitely still gonna be in the bottom three or four, but . . . I think we'll be hearing from him again.

Anoop Desai

Contrary to Matt's positive slant, Anoop sang something about lights dimming down low, drawing mostly favorable reviews from the judges. But I agreed completely with Simon. Anoop flat-out missed his opening note. He bombed on his closing note. The notes in between were okay, and the way the stage lighting matched his pink sweater impeccably was bordering on freaky genius. But Anoop was awful. What radio from the pit of Hades is Kara listening to? Oh, that was abysmal (as was Seacrest's reference to Anoop's eyebrows; do those things really need more attention drawn to them?).

UPDATE—Addison's take: His clothes are kind of boring, like Uncle Knicknocks from Imagination Movers. Anoop? Anoop? Anoop again? Good. Simon thinks everyone is a bad singer.

Reality's take: Anoop, you are in serious danger.

Idol Eyes: At the Movies

I $%#!*& love it when Tarantino is on Idol, but they're kind of overdoing his influence on the world as we know it. Heather and I both love that they're spending so much time talking about why the show tends to run long. Hmm . . . and rather than trimming down their critiques, they're just going to judge two at a time. Okay.

I also watched this with my five-year-old critic, who had some fascinating opinions on everybody. And Paula dressed up like a knock-off Cartier watch, which is just tick-tock beautiful. So here we go:

Allison Iraheta

Overall, I loved Allison's take on "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing," but I don't like the trend festering among the contestants lately, especially this week. To foreshadow a change of pace midway through the song, they're phoning in the first few bars. It's okay to build the energy, but you still gotta express with every note. Allison was a little too cooped up on her intro, but she unleashed her inner rooster before we got very far into it. She is just plain good.

Addison's take: She has pink hair?! Booooo.

She's staying. She's judge-save worthy.

Anoop Desai

Anoop brought back the Bryan Adams monster ballad, "EID (IDIFY)," which should thrill the hearts of piano-playing high school boys (and the girls who love to fawn over their ivory-tickling fingers) everywhere. He's in a rut, but he's getting better in that rut, and it's a vote-getting rut, and I don't think that will change this week. All in all, Anoop sang really well, and I'm glad he's still around.

Addison's take: I think he should be Anoob.

Adam Lambert

"Born to Be Wild" just seems to make sense for Adam, for some unknown reason. Look, the guy can sing better than probably anybody in the history of the show. I mean, this guy was born 20 years too late, cuz the Hair Band Era may never have died had Adam Lambert been around to save it. Okay . . . maybe it could have stayed on life support for a little while. But Adam is just too theatrical sometimes. And I love how Paula uses cliches that have never been spoken in the history of the English language and expects us to A) recognize them as time-honored pearls of wisdom and B) understand what the QuentinTarantino she is saying.

Addison's take: Yeah! He's great! "Booorn to be wiiiiiiiild!"

Matt Giraud

They should have made a rule that an artist could be covered only once. If you're going to do two Bryan Adams songs in one night, one of them should be good. "Have You Ever Really (Really, Really) Ever Loved a Woman," or whatever the actual title was, is not a good song. And Matt's was not a good performance. Too all over the place. Too boring. Too much kissing the microphone.

Addison's take: He sings like a girl.

Matt should have sung something from a movie that ended better.

Danny Gokey

Remember that trend I don't like? Danny is the Grand Master Trendsetter. His "Endless Love" was altogether beginningless. He's still good and soulful and aww-shucks, but he appears to need a high-energy song to jump start him. Low-key segments of Danny's songs tend to fall off Mt. Boring. If he doesn't start supplying his own get-up-and-go, people are going to stay in their seats and forget to text.

Addison's take: Yay!

Yeah, that's right, welcome to the bottom three, DG.

Kris Allen

I've made no secret of my disdain for Kris. Last week I accused him of strategically targeting tweenage girls with his boyish charm and overdone reverb. Today, he went after artsy girls by singing a good but not entirely popular song, "Falling Slowly," and singing it well. And all of a sudden I felt this weird sense of respect for him . . . what's happening to me?

Addison's take: I thought he was Kris Alien.

Lil Rounds

In his advice to Lil, QT hit on exactly the trend I'm talking about. Lil sang, "The Rose," with a few of her trademark bursts of soul surrounded by her trademark vanilla retreads of songs she could have done something with. The first part was Lil Plain and Tall. The second half had some gospel in it. Lil . . . do it up gospel from beginning to end, and you just might convince people you belong here. Technically she didn't really falter until right before her final phrase (when she looked at the judges), but artistically she bombed the moment she decided she should only give the song a li'l bit of Lil.

Addison's take: Booo. Booo. Booooooo.

I came real close to posting Lil's picture this week.

Idol Eyes, The Year They Were Spawned

Baby pictures, aw shucks. This is usually one of my least favorite weeks due to the tendency contestants have of choosing songs they don't really know . . . or absolutely love. Here we go.

Danny Gokey

With a version of "Stand by Me," that I don't remember ever hearing before, but it was good.  I really like this guy, but I'm kind of wondering if we're ever going to hear anything better than what we've seen so far. He just picked a song he can sing and have fun with. And that's great, and it will get him votes. But . . . I don't know. I want to see him challenge himself, and I'm starting to sound like Paula or Kara so I'll move on.

Kris Allen

Okay, everybody knows I don't like him. Why? Because he just strikes me as the type of guy who carefully calculates everything about his image to make girls fall in love with him. It's like he's dressing up like a puppy dog for Halloween. Except it's every day. That's why it causes me no grief to see his surrounded-by-screaming-girls crap-jazz rendition of "All She Wants to Do Is Dance" fall absolutely flat. Once again he's playing a guitar heard by no one. When this song was on the radio, I loved it. He managed to strip away everything I liked about that song, and it died right in front of him. Sadly, it won't matter. He's moving on.

Lil Rounds

I, for one, knew Lil was short for Lilly, and I got very tired of Simon belilling her for her name. But I agreed wholeheartedly with the judges that she is not being true to her identity. However, I think they're giving her terrible advice, or maybe too much advice. She needs to kick back, watch Happy Feet, find her heart song, and sing that.  Or hop in the shower, sing the first song that comes to her mind, and figure out a way to make that song fit into the category of the week. With all this discussion of her name, she's managed to lose it. Be Lil, Lil. You might not get another shot.

Anoop Desai

Anoop is officially the Rex Grossman of American Idol. This week was good Rex, good Anoop, and a great song choice. You can pretty much tell whether Anoop is going to be good before a single note has been sung. If he's hopping around the stage, he's a total goofball. When it's slow, he's really good. Should he sing an upbeat song to mix it up? Why? America doesn't care if he mixes it up. We just don't want him to suck. My wife wants to make sure I mention that Paula's teeth are covered in lipstick.

Scott MacIntyre

See, this is what I hate about this theme and the whole concept that you need to be versatile. If eclectic is your thing, by all means mix it up. But if you're Scott, just sing your song and do your thing. I really like him, and deeply respect his decision to stand and rock behind a guitar you could actually hear. But it was just him playing Guitar Hero in front of America. I hate that song too much to even look up its name. Scott, you should have stuck with the piano, sang some James Taylor . . . I think it's time for you to go.

Allison Iraheta

People aren't voting for Allison because her hair is fuchsia, and that's just wrong. She absolutely rocks. Her "I Can't Make You Love Me" was, admittedly, a bit overwrought (she's 16), but she sings like a bird. A really rocking bird. But not Meghan. I love everything about her, and if she can't leave the bottom three, I'm gonna have a hissy. She doesn't get nearly enough votes, but the judges will absolutely save her, if only for a week.

Matt Giraud

Joey Macintyre did awesome tonight. Seriously, I've been hearing people compare Matt to Justin Timberlake, but I finally realized he's one of the original New Kids on the Block. But that's cool, cuz he made "Part Time Lovers"come alive. That sounded cooler in my head. Yeah . . . um, Matt was great.

Adam Lambert

I switched over from the Cubs game and caught Adam's version of a song I can't remember. I can't remember because the entirety of his performance occurred after the DVR ran out. I mean, three minutes after Idol was supposed to be over, Lambert was beginning his little interview. Clearly, AI was not prepared for a full-on four-judge system. They just take way too long. Simon summed up Adam's slow-downed pool of melancholy by giving him a standing ovation, and I'll second that. But everyone involved with the show should be ashamed of themselves that they let it come to this. In TV, you don't run over. No excuses.

Sadly, I think the bottom three will be Allison, Lil, and Scott. Sorry, it's late, and this is subpar. But hey, even AI reviewers have their off weeks.

New Site of the Week: Eagle Eye

I saw this on a friend's facebook page and thought it was one of the coolest uses of a webcam I have ever seen. 

It's a camera (active during daylight hours only) pointed directly at an eagles' nest. Three babies hatched in March, and you can see them develop right before your eyes. I can't embed the camera directly (or at least I don't know how), so you 'll have to visit the link. But I saw the mother and babies just hanging out together earlier today. I would love to see it when the babies learn to fly . . . although how much will actually show up on camera I really don't know.

Anyway, it's just cool.

Time Warp NCAA Championship SPOILER

Michigan State and North Carolina have yet to don their uniforms, but I can already tell you the winner. 

That's because John Hinkley won the 2009 Bracket Bucks Challenge. If Michigan State wins, John wins. If the Tar Heels prevail, John really wins, because that's who he picked to win it all. So congratulations, John! You're the proud owner of a $20 Starbucks gift card that will soon find its way to you.

Actually, I should clarify. "John Hinkley" was his brackets' name. His real name is James LaFleur (although he'll let you call him "Sawyer).

Overheard, Go Colin Go

I wouldn't say Colin is getting to the point where he's actually quotable per se, but he is talking and expressing himself at a rapidly progressing rate that has steamrolled me with joy. Here are a few of my favorite recent pearls of wisdom to fall from his mouth:

• After walking out on a Baby Einstein video, Colin asked for me to hold him. So I asked him, "Colin, do you want to watch this or not?"
  
  Colin: "Not."
• When he says, "Puppets," it's just really cute. Not really a story there.
• A couple days ago, he spontaneously burst into song and demanded I sing along with him. The song he so desperately and exuberantly wanted to sing? "Go Cubs Go." Ah . . . yes. I think we'll keep this one.

I Was Wrong ***SPOILER ALERT***

Is me being wrong really a spoiler? Nah. But . . . hang on, Anoop-dog, Anoop dog hang on.

And just a few comments about the results show:

1. That was the worst lip synching I've ever seen. (Okay, now wait a few seconds.) [/lipsmoving].
2. David Cook rocked.
3. Every week at least one contestant heads the wrong way after Seacrest discloses their destiny.
4. The Rockin' Robin really flew off the deep end tonight. I hope she enjoys her Cocoa Puffs.
5. And Lady Ga Ga really helped lay the groundwork for making Megan's exit drama seem normal. Thank you, LG2, for that. Could have used a little palette cleanser in between those two numbers. It was like downing espresso after sucking on a grapefruit.

Idol Eyes

Why does Ryan do the extra-long "I'm about to tell you who got booted, but I just want to soak in the anticipation" pause before he tells us what "This" is? We know. It's American Idol. That's kinda why we're watching. And he always points out that it's live. First of all, it's never live when I watch. Second, duh. It's always live.  And Scott has poofy Ziggy Stardust hair.  Let's move on to "people have to like the song enough to download it" night.

Anoop Desai

Anoop tells us he's singing Usher's "Caught Up," returning to the form of weeks gone by when every performance made us question why he was on the show. You remember, the Bad Arse days. Anoop, Anoop, Anoop. You know when Michael asked the infamous musical question, "Who's bad?" Nobody in the history of the world has ever answered that question by saying, "Anoop." Holy crap that was terrible. Kara accused him of just living up to a dare from a bunch of frat guys, and the camera cut immediately to a bunch of frat guys denying it . . . perfect. I don't know how Paula and Randy could say the vocals were good.

I just don't get it. He had two performances that were good and that the judges liked. And then he decides to perform the style of song that sucked his entire identity so hard he became the human hickey. That and he's wearing one of Michael's old "I'm a lieutenant in a big gay army" shoulder chains. Sorry. That took too long. People are really gonna have to suck for Anoop to survive.

Megan Corkrey

Megan Joy borrowed "Turn Your Lights Down Low" from Lauryn Hill and Bob Marley, and she borrowed the style of Wyclef Jean. Here's what's going on with Megan, who didn't even do her little dance: she's singing to four judges. I don't think she intends to, but that's what's happening. What Megan needs to do, if America realizes she did in fact suck way less than Anoop did, is sing to just one person. Her confidence and her heart are just not showing up. What the judges need to do is put a lid on it. When they're disappointed, they're taking forEVer to tell us about it. Megan is in danger, but I don't see her waving goodbye.

Danny Gokey

"What Hurts the Most," by Rascal Flatts earned Danny a glowing review from Simon in one of those rare moments when a performance actually makes Simon approach an apology for the previous week's criticism. He was good. I wouldn't rave the way the judges did, especially not Kara's "I'm so enjoying this Sweet Tart" love fest, but . . . hey. He's clearly one of the best.

Allison Iraheta

I don't know how the song will go, but I kind of like the fact Allison hunted down Sanjaya and is wearing him as a headdress. As for her version of "Don't Speak," it didn't leave me wowed out of my mind. She actually did play the guitar in a way that you could actually, oh, what's the word . . . hear? But the song was not exactly right. Given Allison's track record of not earning the votes her vocals earn, she might have something to worry about. But . . . I think she's safeish. And I just have to say, Paula right now reminds me of George W. Bush reading the names of foreign dignitaries off a teleprompter. I love Allison.

Scott Macintyre

Dude . . . I've already talked about the hair, but I actually thought that was his weakest performance. I didn't like the Hasselhoffian look. I thought his voice was shaky. His piano skills are solid, but they just don't stand out for me on this show. And somehow, the judges once again totally disagree with me. And I'm cool with that. Still, I think Scotty has an outside shot of leaving this week.

Matt Giraud

In the style of Anoop, Matt returned to his top-36 style of hitting up the college rock scene with the Fray's, "You Found Me," which allowed him to totally lose me. It's the classic, classic AI pitfall, singing a song that you love instead of a song that loves you. And last week, it seemed like America didn't love on Matt all too much. But at this point, I think America starts to vote their conscience instead of their actual impressions of the song, so I think Matt's gonna get through. Maybe.

Lil Rounds

Well, Lil has been touted as vocally awesome, and this is her chance to prove it. She can definitely deliver some powerful notes. But I think you should break out the Power Diva song only when you're on the upswing. It's the gesture of a lion standing over it's wounded prey, not the defense mechanism of a cornered gazelle. And as Power Diva songs go, Celine Dion's "I Surrender" is a crappy one. Lil's another one who is picking and performing songs for the judges instead of what actually suits her. Lil could go. But the judges would save her.

Adam Lambert

He played that funky music a la Wild Cherry, and all I have to say is, I have to, have to, HAVE TO hear a duet featuring Adam and Norman Gentile. He's really good. And yet really hilarious. And Paula's coming out of her prom dress.

Kris Allen

I'm sorry, but does anybody else feel like the reverb is on absolute overdrive when this dude sings? He was fine. He really could use a butt kicking. And everybody loves him, yay! But let me tell you, any male caught owning one of this guy's future albums loses his man card immediately.

Bottom three: Anoop, Megan, Matt.

Overheard, Ad Placement

I could tell you Addison doesn't watch much TV. I'm good at lying like that. But the fact of the matter is, Addison absorbs whatever he watches, and he's especially quick to connect to anything he sees on a commercial. Some recent quotes prove his allegiance to all things advertised:

"Hey, Dad, do you want to win $5,000? Then be sure to watch the season finale of Star Wars: The Clone Wars."

"No, Dad, I want to use my Reach toothbrush. It's better than normal toothbrushes. Here, I want you to see. See that? (setting it on the sink and pointing to the head) It's above. It's got an angled neck."

"Hey, Mom? Are you gonna get some of that so your eyelashes will be long and luscious?"

"Dad, we have to watch Special Agent Oso. It's all part of the plan . . . more or less."

I am so ready for spring to invite this boy outside again. 

Comparitively, Everything Else Is A Diet

The eating day started out innocently enough: a bowl of Rice Krispies, some OJ, some coffee. But it all went to digestive inferno after we headed to the Curious Kids Museum in St. Joseph, Michigan. 

The museum itself was a blast. Addison had fun. Colin had fun. Everybody had fun and not a calorie was consumed. Then we headed to Roxy Burgers for lunch, and here's how it broke down:

Chili cheese dog. Onion rings. Large Coke. Remnant fries. Remnant ice cream . . . with sprinkles. I don't eat chili cheese dogs. I tried one 11 years ago, didn't like it, and gave them up without even feeling the need to swear them off. But for some reason, seeing "CHILI CHEESE DOG" spelled out in red plastic letters proved too oddly compelling to resist. And I loved that chili cheese dog.

We returned home and made plans with my dad to meet for dinner at Quaker Steak & Lube. I had never been to Quaker Steak & Lube, but you don't go into a meal at a place called Quaker Steak & Lube expecting to eat like a bunny. And unless bunnies routinely scarf down chicken enchilada soup, an 8-oz. steak (medium), an enormous pile of gravy-laden mashed potatoes, and four lemonades (they stick a half-lemon atop each one, and they're really good) without leaving the tiniest shred of leftovers, I outstripped those leporine expectations.

Then my dad, Heather, Addison, Colin, and I finalized the meal by sharing a triple rich brownie with vanilla bean ice cream. My belly was hurtin', but my mouth was in heaven. Seriously, go to Quaker Steak & Lube and ask for the Triple Rich Brownie. Abandon all pretense, culture, and whatever other shallow tides of cultured self-righteousness have caused you to turn your nose up at the QS&L and their TRB . . . go get yourself one. If you have the means, I highly recommend it . . . it's so choice.

Fifteen hours later, I'm still full. But it was still worth it.

Another Picture . . .

. . . Another Idol down. I got a little trickier with this week's Idol Eyes photo choosing to depict an occupation rather than an actual contestant.

But the voters knew what I meant, and I think they sent the right person packing. A bit of a shock on the bottom three (and especially the bottom two). Whew!

Idol Eyes: Motown

Motown week on American Idol is always a mixed blessing: it's both an opportunity to hear some great songs and an occasion for slaughtering great songs. Hopefully the music wins out over the carnage. Let's get right to it.

Matt Giraud

His version of "Let's Get It On" unquestionably beat the last version from two years ago when a contestant dedicated his performance to his mother (eww!) but I'm not sure I feel a whole lot more comfortable hearing a guy dressed like Ward Cleaver croon his way through a song about bumping uglies.

But it was still good. Tough song, he did well with it. I just don't want to see his thighs hugged that tightly by a pair of slacks again anytime soon. Matt can breathe easy (which is more than I can say for his thighs).

Kris Allen

I know the ladies love him and his rendition of "How Sweet It Is," but . . . well, the ladies love him. I still can't get past the notion that David Archuleta went through puberty and returned for another round. In the end, I don't think he's that great a singer, and his guitar playing continues to be completely inaudible. I'm glad he feels comfortable with a prop, but if the competition ever forces him to leave the comfort of his college quad, I don't think he'll be up to the challenge. But hey, Jason Castro got by for a long time on similar talent (but a lot more coolness). Kris ain't goin' anywhere.

Scott Macintyre

I don't think I'm in the majority here, but I'm liking Scott more with every passing week. I like his voice more now than I did at the beginning, and his nerves aren't as shaky. But for some reason I feel like Chandler in the episode, "The One with All the Resolutions," in which he screamed, "Somebody please comment about the pants!"

Scott is wearing pink pants. And it seems fairly obvious that all of the judges have made a solemn pact not to comment on his clothes because he's blind. Isn't it insensitive to not comment on the pants? My theory: the judges are compensating for the no-pink-pants-comments restriction by being extra harsh on his vocals. No, he is probably not as good of a singer as the two who went before him, but he's better than a lot of performers who have made it much further in years past. Still . . . Scott's in danger.

Megan Corkrey

Before Megan even started singing "For Once in My Life," my wife reminded me not to look at her. Too late. At first I really liked her outfit . . . and then I realized I wasn't on a  Carnival Cruise and Kathie Lee Gifford isn't the woman she once was. But she's feeling better, so that's good. As Paula said, the camera loves her . . . but the microphone does not. The thing about being quirky is, if you're not quirky enough, you're just bad.  I actually didn't think she was as bad as the judges did, but . . . yeah. Not quirky enough. We may have seen our last Megan "Corkscrew" dance of awkwardness.

Anoop Desai

Anoop just gave Smokey a look that clearly said, "Who are the Miracles?" And he's dressed up as Richie Cunningham, which would officially make him "Anopie." But his vocals are, in a word, hot. Too much breathing and P-pops into the microphone, but he definitely did well. I think Anoop has some legs in this competition. Kara is connected to Anoop's chest, I think. I'm not sure she's comfortable being a judge yet. She needs more work than Anoop's eyebrows. All in all, the judges are delivering some long-winded speeches. Where is the Oscars orchestra when you need 'em? Anoop risks the "Anoops! We forgot to vote" dismissal.

Michael Sarver

This should be Michael's bread and butter, because he rode the funky groove of Rhythm and Blues all the way to this stage. He's left that country for the last few weeks . . . let's see if he follows Smokey's advice and belts it out. Um . . . a little bit. I think he's got to elevate his performance a couple of notches if he wants to make it to "I want to vote for him," instead of "I want him to sing at my wedding." And it kinda crashed at the end in Oceanic 815 fashion. I'm being harder on him than I was on Scott. Holy moly, he made Paula cry with his mediocrity. And Kara is wasting our time. Yikes.

Lil Rounds

Lil got her "Heat Wave" goin' with a loaner from the set of Salt 'n' Pepa's "Giving Him Something He Can Feel" video. She looks the best she's looked so far, but her sound was . . . off. I think her big problem was similar to Michael's in that she doesn't have to try hard to sing, but she did. It just reeked of trying too hard. There was a classic moment when Paula was standing up, shaking her booty while Kara was sitting down shaking her head in stunned silence. The judges . . . man, I'm so sick of them suggesting songs. They tell her one week that she could sing the phone book—the next they tell her she chose the wrong song. So . . . I guess she should have sung the phone book. Lil . . . You shouldn't be goin' anywhere, but you might.

Adam Lambert

He ditched the dead crow hairdo in favor of an Elvis ducktail. Um . . . Smokey Robinson and Barry Gordy gave him a standing ovation. What else do you say? (He looks like Kurt Russel tonight, and he's better than everyone else and can no longer be considered a one-trick Broadway show pony. I might buy that track off iTunes if I can. He's so good, his iffy notes make you question if he's singing off key or if you're just not artsy enough to recognize his nuance . . . that's what else I say.)

Danny Gokey

Um, Danny? You didn't follow Smokey's advice, bro, what gives? He is a good singer, and it was a good vocal. But being from Wisconsin does not excuse being that cheesy with the dancing. Paula rhymed! And I really like it when the judges are to-the-point. Why can't someone remind them to do that all show long. For the first half hour of the show, only two singers performed. In. Ex. Cusable. And so was that dancing, Danny. And, yeah, I know you're a youth pastor or whatever, but you can still sing "make love to you" on Idol. If you can't, pick a different song, dude. Don't make the judges use their save this early. They won't need to, though.

Allison Iraheta

I wish they would show Allison's middle name, because I feel the need to use it in mock disciplinary fashion. I'll assign her one for the time being: Allison Michelle! Dang! If we hadn't already met him, I would have thought for sure Allison's papa really was a rolling stone. That may have been Allison's Jordin Sparks moment. That girl, Danny, and Adam are making the first several performances of the night look like total crap. Wow.

Okay, after hearing the first view back again, I'm embarrassed by my leniency on the first half of performers. My predicted bottom three (and Heather agrees): Scott, Megan, Michael.

Man Chair? (and other assorted musings)

Don't worry, American Idol recaps are coming (but not for another day . . . I forgot Obama grabbed a mic of his own), but I have just a few random updates.

1. I finally have a man chair. It's the recliner no wife really wants in their living quarters (but Heather has grudgingly graciously welcomed into our abode). It's leather. It's old fashioned. It was free. My parents had three too many chairs, and they only have room for two too many. So as of Saturday afternoon, the armchair is mine. Er, ours.

The only problem is, it's now the boys' new favorite. As you can see from the picture, Colin is quite literally getting lost in its cavernous luxury. I mean, seriously, where is his head? I took this picture, and I don't know the answer. So what seemed destined to be a harbor of manly respite, a leather-clad fortress of solitude, is now just a swiftly tilting playground.

2. Speaking of things that turned out to be more youthful than one might have thought, Heather had an interesting encounter at Fair Oaks Farms. She took the boys to see the cows and the asundry other lactose-related wonders, and some guy (any non-blood-relative male who speaks to my wife instantly becomes some guy to me) mistook Colin's Elmo shirt for a Bob the Tomato shirt. The conversation continued like this:

H: Oh, we love Veggie Tales, but it's not a Bob the Tomato shirt, it's actually an Elmo shirt.

SG: Wow, well, not a lot of people know about Veggie Tales. I guess you have to be from our era.

H (not associating her era with that of SG): Oh, well I think I'm a bit older than your era.

SG: Well how old are you? I mean, I'm 20.

H (quite happy at this point): Oh, you're so nice.

3. Colin has now taken to playing Ring Around the Rosie by himself. It's slightly less dangerous than mixed martial arts, but every bit as entertaining.

Overheard, Maybe it was the music?

We're driving home from my parents' house tonight, and "Rocky Mountain High" is playing in all its Jon Denver-ness (thanks to an iPod genius mix based on Rob Thomas & Willie Nelson's version of "Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow up to Be Cowboys"). All of a sudden, Addison quietly but confidently blurts out this little gem:

"I'm always gonna be with God."

Yes, Addison. Yes you are. But where in the world did that come from?

Sheet of Integrity

I've entered my bracket picks five times this year, maybe the most I've ever done (I'm not that much of an addict). But in the past, I've always tried to take five different approaches to my selections. With one bracket, I'd follow my gut. With another, I'd predict what I reasoned would happen. And with yet another, I'd make the picks I wanted to happen. I remember even doing a Costanza: take whatever impulse I had and do the exact opposite.

But this year, I'm borrowing a term from Mike & Mike in the Morning and filling out my Sheet of Integrity. I have five brackets in five different competitions, all with the same picks. The same upsets. The same Final Four. The same fate for every one of my predictions. I'm putting all my eggs into one bracket.

I will lose embarrassingly in every league I'm in (except maybe the failed resurrection of my old co-worker league that at last check had five entrants, one of whom is my five-year-old son . . . I have my fingers crossed on that one). I'll try to find my one shred of redemption in knowing that I took a stand. I'm me. I'm not proud of it, but I'm at peace with it.

Picture This

Well . . . it looks like I placed the right picture atop the last post. I actually think it was a good thing for her, and not just in the fake "I want to make you feel better" way Paula always says it. But when people are telling you that you need to make yourself look and sound sluttier in order to be taken seriously as an artist and you agree with them, it's best to leave that little opportunity behind you.

Idol Eyes (Are Smiling . . . Happy SPD)

PREFACE
Tonight I thought I'd do things just a bit differently, updating our little American Idol recap as I went along but without a dozen separate posts. For starters, I'm just so happy the producers of Idol have decided to employ every conceivable method to push the show beyond its time limits. Last week we had an extra performer and an extra judge, and an elaborate intro. To make sure the results show could run long, they decided to add the bizarro judge save, a hopelessly convoluted gimmick that allows the judges to save one fave from elimination, one time, up until the final five round, after which no more saves shall be offered. And that's not even counting the human show delay: Kanye.

Essentially they're telling America, vote for the people you're afraid we won't save (a repercussion they seem to have realized, prompting the "You gotta vote" promos they've been running). But it's just so awkward and pointless and silly. But then again, so is the show . . . let's not think about it too long.

Okay, time to wait for the show to start . . . commence waiting.

BEFORE THEY SING
So we're getting a little bit country? I dig it. And I love Randy Travis. Everything about him. The preamble is ridiculous, but . . . let's get to the music.

THE SINGERS

Michael Sarver
"Ain't Goin' Down ('til the Sun Comes Up)" . . . dude. That's a tall order for a big dude burnin' throuh a lot of precious oxygen—no way that performance was green. He did okay, but the impression he leaves you with is, "Wow, that must be hard." You wanna leave people thinking, "Wow, he made that look easy." Not a great choice in my opinion, but doing something similar in the opening rounds got him through. I'm on the fence with this one. He handles the judges well, I'll give him that. If elimination is a sniper, it might pick him off like a fly on a sow's backside.

Allison Iraheta
Patty Loveless might be the single greatest Country name in the genre's grand ole history. And when Randy Travis gave her props for her mature (for a 16 year old) rendition of "Blame it on Your Heart," that girl must have been flyin' high. It was just a tad bit cutesier than she's been, but . . . other than that, she pretty much rocked. She's growing on me, and she's sticking around. I'm getting the feeling that there's absolutely no reason for Simon to comment on tonight's show, because he hates country music. We'll see if he likes anyone.

Kris Allen
Randy hit on a real solid point: Kris is good at singing ballads, and it's about time he actually sang one. He's also getting away with singing a song that ain't really country. Sure it's a Garth Brooks song . . . that used to be a Billy Joel song . . . that's really just a Bob Dylan tune. But hey, I'm lovin' the Garth. He sounded okay . . . I got a bit bored and a little distracted by the massive AI reverb. Paula sounds like she's about to break up with him. Simons drooling on him. Randy loved it. Kara is surprised that a non-country song didn't sound like country. Ah well, Kris isn't going anywhere.

Lil Rounds
In her interview, I can already tell Lil's making a mistake. She has no idea how well the R&B and Country worlds blend. Did I mention I love Randy Travis? Well, strategy shmategy. I think she could have improved on her performance if she let her true self shine through, but she's still pretty freakin' awesome. Her "Independence Day," was [insert fireworks cliché]. It's cool. She'll move on through, and if she doesn't, the judges love her enough to save her. Wow, the judges really talk a long time. Simon called her "Little." Simon agrees with me and is getting characteristically pummeled for it.

Adam Lambert
Randy Travis is a pastor in the church of Country, and he just kicked Adam on out of the parish. Priceless video of the mentoring session. Oh man . . . Adam is pretty much what Jack Black always hopes he could be . . . and then some. His mystical version of "Ring of Fire" was, as Heather put it, "a little weird," but I actually liked it. I mean, he stuck to who he is (a little weird). He kept it Country, but he made the country India. The vocals were tight. The jeans were tighter. Judge reviews for the courtesy of Steph: Kara was confused and weirded out . . . but I think her eyes were happier than her ears. Paula seemed perfectly at home in the mist. Simon's reaction: "I think what Randy Travis was trying to say was, What the hell was that?" He called it self-indulgent rubbish . . . which I think is pretty much Adam's market anyway. Randy actually loved it and compared it to Nine Inch Nails . . . and if Trent Reznor ever channeled Liberace. Whatever, he's cruising on through on a magic carpet.

Scott MacIntyre
When I heard him say he was performing, "Wild Angels," my reaction was identical to Randy Travis's: dude, you kidding? But holy crap, this was his best performance ever . . . freaking ever. The weak, tremulous uncertainty got replaced by a strength I had yet to hear on a single clip of his performances. It was really good, really strong . . . I thought he kicked it. Paula just called the blind man crippled. Simon just called Paula stupid. Um, I'm not agreeing with Paula and I'll leave it at that. And dang, the judge critique sessions are turning into drawn out divorce proceedings. Overall, the judges are kind of being downers on this one, and I really don't get it. Is this show going to be three hours? Look who's talking; I told myself to keep these short. Scott is walkin' the line between safety and scary.

Alexis Grace
Lexi's "Jolene," had more great moments than bad ones, but she definitely had some of both. She did have some pitch problems and some groove problems . . . and I guess it's just not the song that's going to awaken the inner "yahoo!" in most people. And oh gosh, now this is turning into a debate. The judges are grumpy now after their little spat. They're telling Alexis to get dirty again, which makes me cry inside. Alexis is flirting with a surprise exit.

Danny Gokey
Danny's singing about Jesus. I'm shocked. And I'm even unsarcastically shocked to see how nervous he was in front of Randy Travis. In his actual performance, he stumbled out of the gate a little bit, sounding almost like he was rehearsing a speech. But then he turned his Danny on and rocked it. He does look like he's on an expedition to the ice planet of Hoth, but it's all good.

Anoop Desai
Anoop may be from NC, but it seems like this round was timed expressly to eliminate him. However, his "Always on My Mind," proved one piece of advice beyond a shadow of a doubt: "Dude, they got the reverb blasting, sing a stinking ballad!" Anoop really did it. It was Willie-riffic. I'm so glad to hear this guy finally sing and stop pretending. After that (and after surviving his vocal atrocity) I really don't see him going home.

Megan Corkrey
Is she gonna go on and grow on me? I mean, I have to close my eyes to enjoy the performance. Pretty as she is, I can't stop laughing when she does her little dance that looks like she's trying to shake free from the two rocks tied around her neck. But I do like her voice. And apparently she was sick to the point of hospitalization with the flu. Hopefully that won't influence (sorry) people's votes. But it will. Pretty impressive that she gave that performance while sick (although I'm not sure which performance was more convincing: "Walkin' after Midnight" or the endless coughing afterward). Megan might be in just a little bit of danger . . . quirky often means a few people really like you, but that's not really what you're going for in this competition, is it?

Matt Giraud
He sang, "So Small," by Carrie Underwood, and he blew it up. I had never heard the song, but I am thrilled that I did. Man, he can sing. How's that for short?

THE BOTTOM THREE
I don't know if they'll do a bottom three or not, but here are the people I'd suggest may want to pack their bags just in case: Alexis, Megan, and Michael.

Bracket Bucks

I love March Madness. I love making predictions. I love Starbucks coffee. And this year I decided to combine those three love affairs into one cup of hot blended fun.

I'm inviting all of my blog readers to join my blog bracket league on Yahoo! Sports. Just follow the link and enter the group password: bucks. Make your picks before the games start on Thursday, and share the love.

Oh, and the winner of this league will win a $20 Starbucks gift card.

Keep in mind that the scoring of this league rewards upset picks (well, correct ones, anyway) and that you can enter up to 3 brackets.

So have fun, enter thrice, and play nice. Oh, and don't forget to enjoy "the shot." Thanks for playing!

Click here to enter

It's Been a Long Year

It's hard to believe it's been a year since Jim passed away . . . 3/13/2008 still seems pretty fresh, and the time since seems infinitely longer than just a few hundred days. Heather and I wanted to commemorate his memory with the slideshow we played before his funeral, and this post from the day after he met his Savior in person. We still love you and miss you, Jim, very much.



Tuesdays with Jim

A few months ago, Heather's dad (Jim) mentioned to Heather that he'd like me to write a book about his life. I thought it was a great idea, so we agreed to do a series of interviews to cover . . . everything. From his earliest memory to his ten-year battle with cancer.

Last night, that battle ended. Jim won. He's in heaven, pain-free, and the cancer is fading to nothing. But the rest of us left here are taking turns blubbering, remembering, laughing, and quietly coping. I just finished my blubbering shift, but I wanted to comment on one of the great gifts of my life.

That handful of evening interviews with Jim were amazing. He relived a little bit of troublemaking on the South Side of Chicago. He journeyed back to summers with his grandparents in Michigan where he met his first crush, a teenage girl ten years his senior. And he returned to his days as an altar boy, where his primary responsibility was sneaking wine with one of his buddies.

Every childhood story was sewn together by the single common thread of drinking. It was like alcohol was his best friend, the only one who never left his side. And I got to hear about it. I had the privilege of hearing his reflections on alcoholism at its worst, his saving grace in his wife Judy, his private revelation from God calling him out of that life and into a new life with Him.

He told me about his father, a man's man, a cop turned mechanic, who could do just about anything around the house or under the hood of a car. And I could see how Jim emulated the things he admired most. But he also told me about Orville, his spiritual father who showed him what it meant to follow Christ, to be a good father and husband. Again, Jim imitated those things he loved, and it made him a great man.

Then I got the cancer stories. He told the recorder (not me . . . when he gave details about his cancer, he most definitely spoke to the recorder to keep his emotions in check) more than I had ever known about his struggle. Conversations with doctors, his fears, and the unexpected grace that came from God and the people who surrounded Jim. It humbled me and emboldened me at the same time.

Here was someone who had the opportunity on this earth to reflect on his entire life and see the unmistakable hand of God in broad strokes and pin points. And as he did, with a candid honesty toward his own faults, he had no regrets. And he talked as if it was only the beginning. And there I was to take it all in. I saw his life, as well as my own, as a story. Not just some "one day at a time" meandering. Everyone's life has a conflict, but without the courage to change, it has no plot.

Jim showed me the plot of his life, the story of how God gave him victory over alcohol, over cancer, and over the sin that drives us away from Him and from each other. It was an incredible privilege that changed me forever. I didn't even realize it was changing me, but it did.

So, Jim, if you're reading this . . . thank you. (Also, if you can pull a few strings up there, is one World Series too much to ask?) I love you, Jim.

It Only Took Me a Year, But . . .

My new Web site is up and running. Contrary to the 37 blogs I have floating out there (not really . . . at least I don't think that's true, I guess I've lost count) this focuses more on the business side of things: freelance writing with a particular focus on helping nonprofits or individuals in ministry with fundraising campaigns. If there's anything I can do to help any of you, please let me know.

Also, if you have any advice, suggestions, constructive criticism, or questions (especially things like, "Dude, you really have to pull back on the awesomeness," or "You should insert some mistakes and flaws so all the other sites don't get jealous.) . . . I'd love to hear that, too.

Thanks!

http://adamkellogg.com