Top Ten Things That Disturb Me Out of My Gourd

10. White hot chemistry between Keira Knightley and James McAvoy
9. Botched plastic surgeries
8. The fame of Ryan Seacrest
7. Heated car seats
6. Ghostwriting
5. Those weird computer animated dancing characters that show up inexplicably in online ads for discount mortgages
4. Commercials for prostate medication
3. Bryant Gumbel
2. People who forgive themselves and no one else
1. Things designed to make public communal use seem less disgusting, like those paper toilet seat liners or the little sock footy things for trying on shoes at the store or sneeze guards at buffet lines or the rubber gloves the dentist wears or the paper they put down on the weird not a chair not yet a bed thing the doctor makes you sit on