Idol Eyes: Rock Weak

The American Idol is never crowned during Final Four week, but Slash may have just won the competition for worst Idol mentor of all time. His approach: self-aggrandizing guitar solos and sneering mumbling vagaries as critiques. But that's cool. It's rock week. What's not cool: the duets. I like the concept in theory, but in practice it leaves Kris and Danny at the huge disadvantage of having to perform their solo stints after straining through a Styx cover. But who cares about Idol's propensity for killing itself softly? Let's get to the performances.

Adam Lambert

I think we've established that Adam is a technically terrific singer. Tonight, though, was artistically abysmal. "Whole Lotta Love"? How 'bout "Holy crap that was cheesy." Just dripping in overwrought, scalded nacho. And I'm far from being a die-hard Zeppelin fan, but that was the gaudiest slaying of Led I've ever heard. I was constantly distracted by the battle being waged on Adam's face between his eyeliner and foundation (the foundation won in a nasty cat-scratcher of a brouhaha). And Kara? Wearing the same outfit as Adam (and then doing a fine impression of a backstreet Italian pimp all show long)? Not cool.

For the first time, I want Adam to be done. The odds of that happening: 6 to 1

Allison Iraheta

Allison finally gave in to the overwhelming implicative pressure that she should be singing Janis Joplin, and I thought she rocked out on "Cry, Cry Baby." I've made no mystery of my Allison love, but I'll say it again: I love Allison. I do think this song was still a tad on the forgettable side. The problem with "Rock Week" for Allison is that she's been rocking all season long. There was really nothing special for her to do this week, so . . . man, I don't know. She just didn't give us anything more amazing than she's already delivered. But, in comparison, I still think she gave the best performance of the night; it's just not saying that much.

I really hope she makes it to the final three. Odds of being voted off: 8 to 1

Kris and Danny's duet

Wow, clearly they struggled agreeing on a song . . . because this one sucked. Their harmony sounded good, but Danny's solos outshone Kris's in a song that clearly favored the Gokester. Ultimately, the song might have hurt Danny's ability to hit his final note . . . we'll cover that later. But I don't think these duets will affect the voting AT ALL.

Kris Allen

For taking a Beatles song and cheesing it up a little bit, I thought Kris actually did okay with "Come Together." Did someone forget to remind Kris and Danny of the concept of the power ballad? Hello! It's pretty tough to connect emotionally with screaming girl voters when you're singing things like "hold you in his armchair you can feel his disease." But ignoring the lyrics and the risk of ruining a classic (Aerosmith and Michael Jackson both failed miserably in their cover attempts), Kris sang pretty well. The judges have lapsed into absolute condescending drivel. Kara now looks like the evil twin of the already evil female trainer from Rocky IV.

I won't cry if Kris leaves. Odds of millions of girls crying because he did get voted off: 7 to 1

Danny Gokey

Okay. Um . . . yeah. Saying simply, "Dream on," is way too easy, but Danny's attempt at Aerosmith's classic strains the seams of the word ambitious. His final screech made my soul bleed, and not in a good way. Danny is pretty much riding the wings of never dipping into the final three, but he tested the allegiance of his faithful following with that disaster. Would he have been able to hit that final note if he hadn't spent himself getting his Styx on? We'll never know. But I do know this: Danny trying to be Steven Tyler makes Anoop's Bobby Brown impression look so convincing, the paparazzi are currently raiding Noop-dog's residence for the chance of a Whitney sighting . . . or an overdose . . . or multiple occurrences of both.

Would I be shocked to see Danny go? Do 9:1 odds seem all that shocking?

Adam and Allison

I liked them together. And I don't think it will matter one iota.

So who will go? I'll let my picture do the talking.