Should I Get You a Card?

What do I say, Earth? Do you want a Hallmark? Box of chocolates? Day off?

I'm sorry, I don't like Earth Day (no offense, planet). It's my least favorite fake holiday, right there below Sweetest Day and maybe neck and neck with Andrew Lloyd Weber day on AI. I love Earth, it's totally the best planet I've ever lived on. But the holiday should be recycled into playground equipment.

It's not that I don't think Earth is worth the trouble. It's kind of in the same vein as Mother's Day - the whole point of the event is to give the honoree a break, but by the end of the day, you've burned the french toast, got crumbs in the bed, spent all day in line at Ponderosa, strewn wrapping paper and bad presents and sarcastic cards across the living room, and somehow still managed to leave a kitchen full of dishes for later that evening (cuz let's face it, Mother's Day ends at about 4:30 in the afternoon). I just don't think we're really helping.

There are plenty of valid environmental causes, I don't mean to dismiss them all. In general, wasteful living, excessive consumerism, and general disregard for the world around you are all deplorable yet regrettably prevalent lifestyles. I think we use too much and reuse too little. I also think global warming is an absolute crock put upon us by the most arrogant pseudo-scientists in the entire history of planetary studies. Maybe that is what has ruined Earth Day for me.

Probably not, though. Another candidate for Earth-Day ruining champion has to be people who try to offset excessive energy use by making up for it in some other way. Somebody pimp slaps the Earth one second and then buys it flowers. "No, Earth. I love you, baby, come on." Sorry. Not buying it. I'm not buying that and the whole day any more than I'm buying Jason Castro singing like a glamourpuss. Sorry.